blue_berry_pies

Inspired by Stini...

2009-12-19T23:58:08Z

Kristine posted a list of things she intends to do over the break. While I do not actually have a "break", per say (sans two weeks), I do have more free time than I do over the regular semester. So here are some goals I have:

Christmas Break/J-Term Goals
- Eat well/work out regularly (this is non-negotiable, I'm gonna be a fucking grown up, c'mon!)
- Get Closer memorized (or at least make a sizable dent in the memorization!)
- Get together a book for Electra; be prepared for pre-show talk-backs.
- hair trim/bangs are coming back!
- Read at least 4 new books!
- See: Leeny, T, Jaspo, Jesse, Bec, Kevin, Dave, Nikki & the kids, Ria, go to Baltimore!
- Have this conversation that keeps getting put off!
- Go to B-Lo to see Gillie, Eliza and Ariel for lunching!
- Learn to make eggplant rolantini!!
- Finish editing my full-length for the spring!

Also note:
- Figure out the boy situation.
- Get my (for reals) second tattoo.
- Write out senior wills/awards
- GET A DRESS FOR FORMAL!
- Go to the museum in Fredonia.
- Go in Lake Erie!
- Drink real WNY wine (since I LIVE in wine country!)

And finally...
- figure out what I'm going to do...when I graduate. :)

I'm not kissing you goodbye.

2009-12-14T05:32:50Z

My bed smells like boy.

I like sleeping in it alone, and having all of that space. But, I like more waking up with my head on someone's chest, or their arms wrapped around me.
I like sex. I may like snuggling better, though.

I don't know what I'm doing, but there's got to be a reason I'm not doing it with anyone else.

*EDIT* I am strongly considering kissing someone else in the next three weeks, in hopes of gauging how I feel on other things based on that. Is...this...this is a dumb idea, right?

Is it time to go home yet?? I need a vacation from this life I lead.

These bones are mere accessories.

2009-12-09T15:38:44Z

I just remembered that I am going to be 23 in 2 months.
I just remembered that I want to get married one day.
I just remembered that I want to have babies one day.

Sometimes I forget all of that stuff is there inside me, and sometimes it rears it's ugly head and takes hold of my heart. Sometimes I can see faces, little ones. Blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyed girl faces like mine. Chubby cheeks and pin straight black hair.

One day I'm going to have to start acting like a grown up.
Cause maybe I already am one.

(The Opposite of) Bliss.

2009-11-15T06:54:31Z

"You deserve more than commitment issues."

If and only.

Sick. Sucks.

2009-11-11T01:04:15Z

- I guess it's because today is day 2 of epic sickness.
- Or because it's my grandmother's birthday and she couldn't come to the phone for me to wish her a happy birthday cause today was a bad day for her.
- Or because...I don't even know why.

I feel like I'm coming out of my skin. It's a horrible feeling. And the only person I feel like talking to won't talk to me.

I sound so pathetic. I can't wait until I feel better so I can get my life back. And maybe see Lemuria again.

OH. I remember now. November 10th. That's right.

...weird.

...and how you're gonna be something.

2009-11-08T06:42:06Z

I can't believe I'm going to be graduating in one week and six months. Where did my college career go? I'm not done yet! There are still things I need to accomplish!

I can't believe that two weeks from now, I'll be at my parents' house for thanksgiving break...probably for the last time, if I can manage it. I am ready to spread my wings and fly from the nest. Especially because this time next year I'll be 23 and I can only wait so long to officially move out (and on).

I miss Nikki something terrible. That probably sounds dumb, but I don't have any sisters. Her and Maria are the only things I have that resemble siblings and they take good care of me. There have been a lot of moments lately where I wish she were closer by. I wish I could drive over to her house, hold Hannah on my lap and tell her fucked up tales of my fucked up existence. She'd know what to do. She always does. And she can always one up me, like a reminder that there are way shittier situations out there.

Two weeks from Wednesday night, I will be reunited with Tina and Aileen. But this time is different. One of us is engaged now. Tina is going to become Mrs. Barry Revzin someday soon. Talk about feeling old. I am prepared to be a great bridesmaid, though! I promise!

One of my biggest pet peeves is silence. I hate when people won't open their mouths and tell me what's wrong or what they're thinking. I cannot help you or fix the situation or give you my input if you don't open up to me. And maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe you're just having a bad day or days or week; whatever. You need to open you mouth and say "this has nothing to do with you, just give me some time." If you don't, I get to spend a shit ton of time wondering what I did. And people why I always think I'm bothering someone. I get ignored, I just shut down, I get these tweaky little one-word answers. "Not now" "I'm busy" or "I don't have time right now" are all sufficient answers. Also, not lying to me is a good place to start. I dunno. I'm having a bit of a week, I guess. I have been spending a lot of my life recently not knowing where I stand. And I fucking hate it. I feel like my skin is coming off. I don't mind the "undefined" things or going with the flow. But silence. I cannot bear the silence.
I'd rather have definition. I'd rather have an honest, resounding "no" than silence.

A lot of my journal entries in the last 5 or 6 months have been contradicting one another. But know this (directed more at myself than any anonymous creep-o reader):
I cannot keep my shit together much longer.

I keep on talking trash, but I never say anything.

2009-10-27T04:27:13Z

To all the boys who I have cared about so deeply it hurt (and there are a few of you):

I'm sorry I'm such a monster.

This dumb kite flies toward your lightning.

2009-10-22T06:31:30Z

It's nearly 2am and I'm still awake. We just watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I will be up all night, because I was already afraid of the dark. Now I'm fucking terrified.

In the meantime, I guess it's a good thing I'm awake, because I have work to do. I have a paper to rewrite, another to actually write (period), a Spanish test to take tomorrow and a solo piece to actually fully develop for Devising. If I make it to Thanksgiving, I'll be entirely shocked. Mostly because I have two weeks of freedom left before I start rehearsals for Electra and before we get into the mad dash to the mini-concert for Orchesis.
So really, it's been a light semester.

Since Kristine is home with Mono and I had a really swell viral infection last week that basically tweaked me out for a good 5-8 days, we've spent a lot of time watching movies and chatting. I've done quite a bit of reading and listening to new music. On top of this, I've also done a lot of thinking.
First of all, I know that I truly cannot go home. When I graduate, where I go is uncertain, but I cannot move back in with my parents. It is time to sink or swim. I cannot even describe how many times in my life I've had to make a fight or flight decision, and I never chose to jump in head first. But this is the rest of my life we're talking about, and it cannot be taken lightly. If it's time to become a fucking grown up, then let's do it.
Second of all, I need to get my ass in gear for what I'm going to do to pay rent/put food on the table when I graduate. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for in terms of employment, but I am looking for something in the creative field. But who isn't, really? I do understand that we have to make sacrifices in life, and I am prepared to take on shitty day jobs so I can write at night, but I am not prepared to give up completely on my plays just for a nice cushy apartment and central air.
I would maybe like to get a cat when I move out. Or a puppy.

Kristine and I had a discussion today about butterflies and need. What it's like to not just want another person, but to need them, to be willing to do/give up ANYTHING to be with them. That feeling when you're sitting next to them on a couch and the back of their hand brushes the back of yours. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up, your stomach flip flops, your palms get sweaty, you heart races, your breath gets caught in your throat...we all want that. And I do want it. But Brit was right when she read my tarot cards. I just want to be happy. I want to have someone in my life that I can count on. I want someone who makes me laugh, and makes me feel safe, and lets me lean on them when I need to and who feels comfortable leaning on me. I want someone who ignites a fire in me, who attracts me physically as well as mentally. I want someone who knows what foods I like or that I get scared of the dark. I want someone that I can text at 2am and say "talk to me until I fall asleep, I just watched a stupid scary movie." I want someone who will come to see all the things I do, even if it's not their cup of tea. I want someone who will watch TV with me or read with me. I want to be with someone who's going to get frustrated with me, angry at me, annoyed by me and completely exasperated. But I also want someone who has a fire that burns for me so deeply that they just want, sometimes, to throw me down on the floor and make love to me right where we are. I want it to make no sense and all the sense in the world at the same time. I want it to happen naturally. I want it to blossom organically. I don't need a boyfriend. And I don't need a fiance or a husband.
I want to be happy.

Violent Femmes.

2009-10-17T22:17:55Z

Tonight, I'm having a girl's night with some of my favorite ladies on the whole campus. We're going to get dressed up and go to EBC and just shoot the shit. I can't wait; I've needed something like this for several weeks.
I'm going to let whatever happens happen tonight. I'm not going to obsess about things or let what still needs to get done harbor on my brain. Instead, I'm going to enjoy that I'm single, 22 and dressed up. And probably drunk.
More debauchery to follow.

It's good to get really dressed up, once in a while.
And admit the truth. That when you really look closely,
people are so strange and so complicated that they're
actually...beautiful. Possibly even me.

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics.

2009-10-05T03:19:27Z

In the TV show "My So-Called Life" the main character, Angela Chase is mad for a guy, Jordan Catalano. She does this happy dance to the song "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes on the day she realizes she doesn't need him anymore.

Mine's to Beyonce.

The Vince Guaraldi Trio.

2009-08-31T04:55:40Z

BugBug is currently the wallpaper on the outside of my phone. It needed to be changed to something other than Chris' ugly mug. J/k, but only a little.

I am super exhausted. This has been the longest week ever. I am very proud of all of my friends who were cast in mainstage productions and am pumped to begin rehearsals for Sophocles' Electra in November (no, it has nothing to do with Daredevil, ugh.)
Also? Tonight I auditioned for and was cast in Dog Sees God, which is the PAC1 this semester, and will be playing Van's Sister, AKA Lucy Van Pelt. Definitely excited for that! A little scared, too, though. There is work to be done!

Also went to Rochacha this weekend for Jere's birthday. Saw SWSWC play and they were a rockin' good time, as per usual. I always have fun up there. How is that?

On a strange side note...my brain is toast. So many people have walked in and out of my life lately, and so many people have played musical chairs with their levels of involvement in my life that I can't even keep up. Are we best friends, arch enemies, lovers, house mates, co workers? GAH! What am I doing at any given moment? Just trying to keep up, usually.

Tomorrow rehearsals start.
Wednesday is Cleveland.
This weekend is a 3-dayer. Yesh.

So sleepy. Time for bed.

But also? I have this now:

We don't fight fair.

2009-08-17T03:09:48Z

That's it. That's the whole damned thing.
I just had one of the best summers of my life and now I have to go and live through my senior year of college (EEK!). I feel like last year, though it had it's ups and downs, will completely overshadow this year. How can you compare anything to the year you found a family? Especially if that family starts to fall apart before you even get back? Bill & I were discussing what it's going to be like this year. As much as it pains me to admit this, Chris was a huge part of the past year, and it's simply not going to be the same without him.
I can't imagine my friends being the ones in charge at the radio station.
I can't imagine being the oldest person in the theatre department.

In May, I could not have pictured what this summer would hold for me.
Now, I can not picture what this school year might bring.

I have 4 days left to seal this summer up right.

Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy.

2009-07-03T02:41:59Z

I've been contemplating writing in here for about a week now. I always fall asleep before I get the chance.

Life is hectic. But only sort of. And mostly in my head.
I started work. It's pretty much awesome. I like the people, the kids seem to like the games and stuff I come up with for them to do. I've been getting compliments on my lesson plans. I just hope this lasts all summer.

I have been spending a ton of time with Aileen. This feels fantastic. I don't really know why this is significant yet. Not that it's wrong for us to see each other so much or anything, but I don't think we've ever spent quite THIS much time together since we were in high school. It fits, though, for me. There's something about sitting in front of her house talking in my car for a while that feels like home. Reminds me of the time when I was 18 and we talked for hours on Thanksgiving eve and I ended up driving home while it was snowing and the next morning there was no sign of the white stuff, like it had happened just for me.
That same sort of weather phenomenon happened today after I dropped off Bec. She and I got s*bucks and wandered the Ville of Say (wtf?!) and when I dropped her at home, it started raining and finished up just in time for me to pull into my driveway. kthnx.

My music selection recently has been crazy ecclectic. I have been downloading stuff like mad. I've got so much whacked out stuff to listen to. All the No Doubt, ETID, Fugazi, Bouncing Souls, Less Than Jake, Regina Spektor and just about any other weird thing you can think of. I listen to it in the car while I sit in the shittiest traffic since the Holland Tunnel every morning. I am having a problem lately. I cannot decide if I'm more in love with Max Bemis' voice or Matt Caplan's. Le sigh.

I don't think I could have ever imagined being as confused as I am at 22. Life sucked at 16. I was hormonal and emo (before emo was really a thing) and pretty pathetic. Now I'm 22 and I dunno if I'm having a quarter-life-crisis or just my typical summer blues. I miss my real life. I miss school and my own god damned kitchen and the room with the orange glow. I miss sitting in my secret spot on campus and talking on the phone to random people or hiding out with Mary drinking s*bucks and talking about "life" in terms of centuries. I am sick of playing games, I am sick of "dating". I hate all things casual, failed caffeinated experiments, henged drama and all around blatant sexual ridiculousness. I don't want to settle down and I refuse to settle. But the looking is less like the search and more like the glass. Fucked up and crushing and worthless at times. Not to mention (while mentioning) the fact that I was playing games for a while but I've since decided to just give in to what was inevitable: pointless and increasingly infrequent attempts at communication. Certain names and handles that pop up in text or tweet form just make me sigh and roll my eyes, like I've become instantaneously exhausted. (I'm tired of you.)

I also need to stop writing letters to people who are never going to read them: people who are dead, people who don't know I exist, people who no longer care if I exist...

BTW, I fucking hate the term "lurker". I hate all that stupid fan girl bullshit. But if I fucking owe Christopher Gutierrez one thing in the world, it's not any of his fucking brilliant ~~bullshit~~ insight, it's the lame assholes in 2*Sweet. God damn it, Cronin.

Believe me, I could never stop.

2009-06-01T23:03:12Z

This is my summer list (it's actually a bit longer, but some of that stuff is not for public consumption, you know how it is.)

- ~~Get a job.~~
- ~~Audition for LISF.~~
- ~~See Tina graduate from MIT.~~
- ~~Go to Baltimore~~/D.C.
- ~~Visit The Gang.~~
- ~~Henge.~~ (More of an ongoing thing, really.)
- ~~Go to at least 2 different bars on Long Island, and 2 in NYC.~~
- ~~Read ALL of Jane Austen's novels.~~
- ~~Get a tan!~~
- ~~Go to the city 3 times (that's once a month).~~
- ~~Get a tattoo?!~~
- Lose 15lbs (drop a dress size).
- ~~Exercise more and eat better!~~
- ~~Stand Outside in the pouring rain.~~
- ~~TAILGATE!~~
- ~~Sag Harbor hangs.~~
- Finish another full-length play.
- ~~Try sushi!~~

More to come as I think on't.

We're moving forward, but we're not there yet.

2009-05-22T06:55:18Z

It's very grown-up to sit at your best friend's kitchen table for 4 1/2 hours, drinking tea and talk, laughing, reminiscing, rehashing...

So, I'm home now, for the summer. Last summer I was in a serious, monogamous relationship when I got home. I had no job and no clue what I was going to do. Now I am a single girl with a great job that I'm looking forward to starting. I've already got plans for a trip to Boston & a trip to D.C., not to mention at least one venture to Western NY to see The Gang. Perhaps this summer shall not suck like the last one.

So far I've spent two nights a piece with Kaity, Jesse and Jaspo. I'm excited for Leeny and T to come home so we can all shoot the shit together. I guess, when I'm on Long Island, I'm happiest when I'm surrounded by my girls. Also, I've spent a decent amount of time with Nikki and the kids. Family drives me crazy, but without them, I don't know what I'd do. They're very supportive of me, so I'm lucky. But...last night, for example, I sat at Nikki's dining room table while they went through nearly every relationship (or pseudo-relationship, as it were) I've been in. They never liked that one, this one's the one I should never have let get away, that other one was just impolite, blah blah blah. Really fucking annoying, it's my business, not theirs. But when you have a family as close-knit as mine, I guess they're going to butt into your personal shit every now and again.

What I don't mind is catching up with Jaspo. I love our talks. I love that it takes us an hour to tell a story because we jump back and forth in time to make sure we give all the details. And she interrupts me 10,000 times. And we can never stay on one topic. But it doesn't matter, because when it's important, she's the best listener I have in my life. She doesn't even give her opinion all the time, she's just someone to bounce ideas off of, or even just someone to put all the pieces in front of. I gave her a rundown of the last semester...or the last 3 months anyway. She probably thinks I'm insane. I think I'm insane. Sometimes the situations I end up in boggle even MY mind. No normal person would do some of the things I do to myself...torture, really. Quite insane. But, it is what it is.

She had a big story about this..."fling", we'll call it...that she's had recently. The only semi-interesting story I had to tell was my absolute dissolution on Saturday after everybody left. I spent the rest of the evening in my bed, watching dumb Disney movies and crying til I fell asleep because I didn't know what to do with myself. I guess all the drama, all the pent-up confusion/frustration...all the things that have gone unsaid and all the feelings I wasn't entitled to express just came rushing out, like a cork had been popped. It was really awful to experience all of those emotions at once.
I guess, with this one, I'm taking this away as my life lesson: sometimes, you don't get to say everything. Sometimes, you're left wondering. Sometimes, you never get the closure you want. Sometimes, you get left behind, standing just inside a red door, crying your little eyes out, because somebody has to be the last one.

*Edited to appear like less of a drama queen.

2009-05-09T06:49:17Z

I have a love/hate relationship with the number 6. I don't really know why, but lately it's either been my lover or a complete twat.

This week has had it's ups and downs. While my One Act was swell, my Vocal Recital didn't go exactly as I had planned. Oh well. Apparently Dr. Ivey sees something worthwhile in me, because Eliza and I are Assistant Directing his main stage production of Electra!! Wo0t for us. Also, my parents were here which was SWEET, because my parents are fucking awesome. No seriously...ask anybody.

So, today I slept until 11.30, went to the station, hung out in Rockafeller and then went to the APO formal with a whole host of awesome people. Marciniak was my date; he's a cute kid. He's talented and a good guy. I'm glad he's one of the first freshman I met. I also went with Mary Ryan who, I think, is possibly ranking herself among KD, Stini, Jaspo and Jesse at this point in terms of friend status. I know that sounds dumb, but I basically tell her EVERYTHING. She's such an awesome girl. Many thanks go to Ron Grimshaw for being the reason we got together. And speaking of Talk Radio...we won tonight a the formal! The PACademy awards were announced and Talk Radio went home with the Best Student Direction award for the fantastic Ron Grimshaw and Best PAC show award!!! Yay!!!

After the formal (which was epic awesome) I went to 166, where I changed & then proceeded to go downtown with Erica, Bill, Keith, Erich, Ashley, Chris and Seth. I had a lot of fun, I got really drunk and had an awesome time. I'm so lucky to have these boys in my life. As boisterous and obnoxious as they can be...I love each of them so very much. I ALWAYS have a good time with them, and I have no idea what my Junior year of college would have been like without them.

That is all for now. Tomorrow is the PACnic and then...finals week begins!

There's a whisper from your lips: "I have to go."

2009-04-20T05:04:54Z

I lovelovelove my bed. I am very much looking forward to climbing into it right now. I'm also very glad I rearranged my room, it makes more sense this way.

I have been thinking all day today (for what reason, I may never know) that I have my own group of girls here, now. I kind of adopted Kaity and Kristine's friends when I got here last year...or rather, they adopted me. But now that Kaity and I are intrinsically part of the radio station(s)...and since we have recently taken up a permanent residence on the couch at 166 Central, there is now a group of girls that are mine again. Me, Kaity, Katie, Lindsey, Rachael, Ashley and Erica. They all know a lot of shit about me now, and I know a lot about them and I'm always learning more. And if you'd believe it...we're less gossipy than the boys are! At least, it appears as such. And a few of them (especially Erica) are my secret-keepers.

I am kind of freaking out over the One Act. I am not entirely sure how it's going to be perceived, but at this point, I'm just hoping for a good grade, and then I'll take Directing II next spring. Next time, I won't try to re-write a full length play into a 20-minute version. All of my other classes are going pretty well, though. I think I'll pull a decent GPA this semester and graduate on time (here's hoping, anyway). I'm also hoping Steve Rees comes through with that Independent Study class so I end up with 3 extra credits. Then I'll graduate with 124.5...or I'll just get to stay home for Christmas break, haha. J-term was great this year, but...it's never gonna be that much fun ever again, so I'd not like to try it.

Yesterday was Rockin' the Commons. I had so much fun! I table-hopped all day, got to hang out with my friends...how could I have a bad time?! Other than one person being a pain in the ass and trying to tell everyone what to do, it was great. I'm just disappointed I didn't go last year! Of course, it wouldn't have been the same since I wasn't friends with everybody then. Also, I dig BVG. Everyone's super attached to him because they've all got this extensive history. But I like that he's one of those people who doesn't bother with the awkward beginnings of friendship. He just jumps right in, like he's known you forever.

So, today was boring as hell. I did practically nothing all day, except some reading and working on my History Boys production book. (note to self: hold rehearsals for my directing scene, kthnxbye)we went to Tops and bought a ton of really bad stuff to eat, but it tastes good so...whatever. I guess dieing fat and happy isn't SO bad...
Anyway, Kristine, Miranda, Mike Smith, Chris Newton and I had a movie night and the only thing we could agree on was Dogma. While we were watching the movie, I was actually distracted. I wasn't thinking about the "thing", you know...the most recent big event in my life that has been taking up a giant spot in my brain (among other places). Until I got to this:
Bartelby: "You're divorced."
Bethany" "That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped."
Bartelby: "I was dumped once."
Bethany: "Don't you just constantly question your value, like...why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartelby" "And you wonder if the other party's gonna come to their senses and call you back?"
Bethany: "And they always tell you it will hurt less with time."
Bartelby: "When actually it hurts more."
That sucked. I don't know why. I mean, obviously I know WHY, but it's not like I was hearing something I'd never thought of or felt before. It's just those moments where you're distracted, when you're not even thinking about it at all...when the task at hand is important or really all-consuming. That's when someone can say something or do something that will remind you and it actually hurts MORE than when you just let the thoughts rush back on their own. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to constantly be caught in a tug of war between "please come back" and "leave me alone", which are both raging at my current outward state of being which is something along the lines of "nah, we're cool, it was for the best." Sometimes I want to scream, or run away. Other times I want two handfuls of shoulder to shake, and a face to get real close to and say sternly "this was a stupid idea. Fix it." Then there are conversations like Friday night's, which are helpful. And useless. And I'm not sure which it's more of. I felt better that night and the next morning, but by the party last night, I was hell-bent on any sort of altered state to make me forget. Which it never does, it only makes you remember more. And coming home to an empty, cold bed at 4am was never more painful in my whole life. And that's why today sucked, because I woke up still downtrodden and carried that around with me. I even barked at Kaity because she told me they all went through the bag I won at Rockin' the Commons. So what? First of all, there's nothing in there they couldn't have seen lying around the station. And second of all, it's not like they broke into my room and rifled through my underwear drawer to do it. I asked Chris to put it in his car and then promptly forgot about it. My bad. But...I dunno. The fact that we texted all evening like everything was back to a month ago but I wasn't (pardon my elementary idiom) "reaping the benefits" made my brain go into overdrive. So what's the alternative? Reduce the friendship. Keep things the way they are. Suffer in silence. Throw a hissy fit. Make everybody else suffer, too.
Or, I could just write about it in my stupid online journal, and leave it all unlocked. Wanna know why? Because I'm hoping somebody's getting a lesson out of this. I hope somebody, right now is reading this and is learning and growing and becoming a better person.
Right now, I'm too tired and sad to do or be any of those things at all.

Maybe when I'm not so tired...

2009-04-15T04:40:53Z

It still hurts.
Maybe 'hurts' is the wrong word.
It's like feeling an itch in a phantom limb after an amputation.
No, it's not like the last one, but...maybe it's worse? It wasn't 8 months, but it was life in hyper-drive. It was a secret. Then I was sharing my bed, my dinner, my conversations, I was thinking for two. Then it was playful and open. Then it was distant and resentful. Then it was over. Now it's like it was 5 months ago, but that's not right, either. Excuse my crudeness, but how do you go from sex to "hey, how's it going"? It's just not possible.

Do not, for one second, think I don't still want to kiss you.
Do not, for one second, think I haven't had to stop myself from texting you and asking you to come over.
Do not, for one second, think this doesn't suck for me.
Women are fickle and we will change our minds a thousand times. "I want him to respect me." "I want him to like me." "I want him to kiss me." "I want him to fuck me." "I want him to look at me."

I want him to miss me.

I have ruined most of The Used's discography for myself.

2009-04-07T06:19:50Z

"You don't have to put the seat down...
You don't have to watch the news...
You dont' have to learn to tango...
You don't have to eat prosciutto...
You don't have to change a thing...
...just stay with me."

I started writing an entry that began with that. I started it yesterday. Now, it's pointless.

"This life has been a test. Had it been a real life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do."

XO

2009-03-25T01:08:13Z

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions...

FOB

Are you male or female: She's My Winona

Describe yourself: The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes

How do you feel about yourself: Don't You Know Who I Think I Am

Describe where you currently live: Lake Effect Kid

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Chicago is So Two Years Ago

Your best friend: Short, Fast and Loud

Your favorite color is: 20 Dollar Nose Bleed

You know that: Snitches and Talkers Get Stitches and Walkers

What's the weather like: Calm Before the Storm

If your life was a t.v. show, it'd be called: Honorable Mention

What is life to you: Moving Pictures

What is the best advice you have to give: Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

The thing is...

2009-03-23T04:02:47Z

I know you're Peter Pan.
You don't want to grow up.
You have to.
But don't worry. I'll always be right here...where I belong.

My White Flag.

2009-03-18T02:34:48Z

The fact of the matter is...nobody is truly happy.
And I'm not angry; I can't be bothered.

Everyone wants to be loved.
And everyone deserves to feel wanted.
I'm just asking to be liked.
Cause I don't even feel like I exist.

I give up.

Sorrow Unending.

2009-03-03T06:41:02Z

Sento Nel Core.
Romeo & Juliet.
A memorized poem/paper.
A presentation on a show I haven't even seen yet.
Being unhappy and feeling guilty for being unhappy.
Wanting to go home.
Not wanting to go home.

SAVE.
ME.

All Eyes on the Calendar

2009-02-17T03:53:52Z

"Twenty-two times around the sun I've been..."

Why would I do this on Facebook when I have a LIVEJOURNAL?!

2009-02-10T00:11:30Z

1. I like to listen to Bright Eyes in February, because Connor Oberst and I have the same birthday.
2. I don't care what I told you or tell you. My favorite color will always be red. And crimson red, at that.
3. I wish people could read my mind. I hate when I drop hints for people and they don't get it, like when my parents can't figure out what I want for my birthday, or when Chris doesn't get that I want him to come hang out. I am always dropping hints, I promise!
4. I hate war fiction. Please do not ask me to read poetry, short stories, lyrics or novels about war...ever, because I probably won't do it. The only REAL exception to this is The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien.
5. I have an unhealthy thing for Max Bemis of Say Anything fame. As Jeremy once said, "Fall Out Boy and I have history, but Max Bemis and I have passion."
6. I have developed a true lust for middle-eastern music. I was introduced to it by Sam Kenney last semester when I took her Modern I dance class. Now I can't get enough.
7. I wish I spoke another language fluently. I only speak broken sicilian, so I can't even get away with my knowledge of Italian, since it is a very specific dialect.
8. I think I would have a weird series of bell curves if someone were to chart my birthdays. My 14th, 15th and 16th birthdays were pretty awesome. 17 and 18 were what one might consider EPIC FAIL. 19 was nice, 20 was a huge, fantastic party and last year (21) was pretty cool. I have a feeling this year my birthday will suck.
9. I am ready to graduate. I love Fredonia, and my friends, and my existence here. But I'm ready for the rest of my life to start. I want to work, I want to make my mark, I want to be truly on my own.
10. I get second-hand embarrassment really bad. I always end up so embarrassed for people who have no shame or people who get drunk and do REALLY stupid shit.
11. I don't believe in forcing anything: creativity, emotions, or ideals. There's no point in trying to squeeze blood from a stone, so don't try to make yourself love someone or try to force art, cause it's never going to happen.
12. I recently re-asserted my religious beliefs and I am very secure with them now. I do not feel the need to discuss them with people unless they bring it up first. I also don't believe I need to be in Church every Sunday to be a good Catholic. God can hear me wherever I am. Also? I pray a lot. And I pray for everyone, even you reading this right now. Trust me, I do.
13. I love quotes. To a lot of people this is very annoying, but I love language and the way it sounds. That's why there are so many pieces of paper taped to my walls with quotes written all over them in varying languages. If something just sounds too cool to pass up, I HAVE to write it down.
14. The sound of people chewing with their mouths open makes me physically ill. I have actually become so nauseous that I've thrown up from this. If I get up and walk away from you, do not take offense. Or do, and close your fucking mouth. :)
15. I would not in one millions years, not for all the gold in the world go back to high school.
16. I have finally crawled out of my hole of naivete, and realize that some people will simply never agree. I can never make all of my friends like each other, or even respect each other.
17. The only person on the face of the earth that I actually HATE is Ann Coulter.
18. My favorite song of all time is "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley. And probably the happiest I've been in a long time is when Pat played it for me on the guitar last night.
19. The best show I ever saw was the Lostprophets in the UK. That's followed closely by MCR (basically anywhere) and then Envy On the Coast.
20. Twenty was my favorite age so far.
21. I'm still waiting for certain people to tell me things that I already know about them. I'm just waiting for them to open up about it, because it's not my place to say, "hey, I know this about you...when were you gonna tell me?"
22. I really wish JesseBoss went to school with Kaity and I.
23. My mom is the only person in my family who isn't named (somewhere in her name) after someone else. My middle name is after my grandmother (Camille) and my confirmation name is after her sister, my Aunt Josephine.
24. In my life, great things always come out of the shittiest situations. Example? My awesome roommate first semester left, and so did Jackie Rosenthal's. Now she knows more about me than most people.
25. I am lucky enough to say I would never take back my first time.