"You deserve more than commitment issues."

If and only.

Current Location: The Room with the Orange Glow.
Current Music: "I've Got a Dark Alley..." by FOB

- I guess it's because today is day 2 of epic sickness.
- Or because it's my grandmother's birthday and she couldn't come to the phone for me to wish her a happy birthday cause today was a bad day for her.
- Or because...I don't even know why.

I feel like I'm coming out of my skin. It's a horrible feeling. And the only person I feel like talking to won't talk to me.

I sound so pathetic. I can't wait until I feel better so I can get my life back. And maybe see Lemuria again.

OH. I remember now. November 10th. That's right.

...weird.

Current Location: The Room with the Orange Glow.

I can't believe I'm going to be graduating in one week and six months. Where did my college career go? I'm not done yet! There are still things I need to accomplish!

I can't believe that two weeks from now, I'll be at my parents' house for thanksgiving break...probably for the last time, if I can manage it. I am ready to spread my wings and fly from the nest. Especially because this time next year I'll be 23 and I can only wait so long to officially move out (and on).

I miss Nikki something terrible. That probably sounds dumb, but I don't have any sisters. Her and Maria are the only things I have that resemble siblings and they take good care of me. There have been a lot of moments lately where I wish she were closer by. I wish I could drive over to her house, hold Hannah on my lap and tell her fucked up tales of my fucked up existence. She'd know what to do. She always does. And she can always one up me, like a reminder that there are way shittier situations out there.

Two weeks from Wednesday night, I will be reunited with Tina and Aileen. But this time is different. One of us is engaged now. Tina is going to become Mrs. Barry Revzin someday soon. Talk about feeling old. I am prepared to be a great bridesmaid, though! I promise!

One of my biggest pet peeves is silence. I hate when people won't open their mouths and tell me what's wrong or what they're thinking. I cannot help you or fix the situation or give you my input if you don't open up to me. And maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe you're just having a bad day or days or week; whatever. You need to open you mouth and say "this has nothing to do with you, just give me some time." If you don't, I get to spend a shit ton of time wondering what I did. And people why I always think I'm bothering someone. I get ignored, I just shut down, I get these tweaky little one-word answers. "Not now" "I'm busy" or "I don't have time right now" are all sufficient answers. Also, not lying to me is a good place to start. I dunno. I'm having a bit of a week, I guess. I have been spending a lot of my life recently not knowing where I stand. And I fucking hate it. I feel like my skin is coming off. I don't mind the "undefined" things or going with the flow. But silence. I cannot bear the silence.
I'd rather have definition. I'd rather have an honest, resounding "no" than silence.



A lot of my journal entries in the last 5 or 6 months have been contradicting one another. But know this (directed more at myself than any anonymous creep-o reader):
I cannot keep my shit together much longer.

Current Location: The Room with the Orange Glow.
Current Music: "Punk Rock Princess" by that dumb band that I hate.

To all the boys who I have cared about so deeply it hurt (and there are a few of you):

I'm sorry I'm such a monster.

It's nearly 2am and I'm still awake. We just watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I will be up all night, because I was already afraid of the dark. Now I'm fucking terrified.

In the meantime, I guess it's a good thing I'm awake, because I have work to do. I have a paper to rewrite, another to actually write (period), a Spanish test to take tomorrow and a solo piece to actually fully develop for Devising. If I make it to Thanksgiving, I'll be entirely shocked. Mostly because I have two weeks of freedom left before I start rehearsals for Electra and before we get into the mad dash to the mini-concert for Orchesis.
So really, it's been a light semester.

Since Kristine is home with Mono and I had a really swell viral infection last week that basically tweaked me out for a good 5-8 days, we've spent a lot of time watching movies and chatting. I've done quite a bit of reading and listening to new music. On top of this, I've also done a lot of thinking.
First of all, I know that I truly cannot go home. When I graduate, where I go is uncertain, but I cannot move back in with my parents. It is time to sink or swim. I cannot even describe how many times in my life I've had to make a fight or flight decision, and I never chose to jump in head first. But this is the rest of my life we're talking about, and it cannot be taken lightly. If it's time to become a fucking grown up, then let's do it.
Second of all, I need to get my ass in gear for what I'm going to do to pay rent/put food on the table when I graduate. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for in terms of employment, but I am looking for something in the creative field. But who isn't, really? I do understand that we have to make sacrifices in life, and I am prepared to take on shitty day jobs so I can write at night, but I am not prepared to give up completely on my plays just for a nice cushy apartment and central air.
I would maybe like to get a cat when I move out. Or a puppy.

Kristine and I had a discussion today about butterflies and need. What it's like to not just want another person, but to need them, to be willing to do/give up ANYTHING to be with them. That feeling when you're sitting next to them on a couch and the back of their hand brushes the back of yours. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up, your stomach flip flops, your palms get sweaty, you heart races, your breath gets caught in your throat...we all want that. And I do want it. But Brit was right when she read my tarot cards. I just want to be happy. I want to have someone in my life that I can count on. I want someone who makes me laugh, and makes me feel safe, and lets me lean on them when I need to and who feels comfortable leaning on me. I want someone who ignites a fire in me, who attracts me physically as well as mentally. I want someone who knows what foods I like or that I get scared of the dark. I want someone that I can text at 2am and say "talk to me until I fall asleep, I just watched a stupid scary movie." I want someone who will come to see all the things I do, even if it's not their cup of tea. I want someone who will watch TV with me or read with me. I want to be with someone who's going to get frustrated with me, angry at me, annoyed by me and completely exasperated. But I also want someone who has a fire that burns for me so deeply that they just want, sometimes, to throw me down on the floor and make love to me right where we are. I want it to make no sense and all the sense in the world at the same time. I want it to happen naturally. I want it to blossom organically. I don't need a boyfriend. And I don't need a fiance or a husband.
I want to be happy.

Current Location: The Room with the Orange Glow.
Current Music: "Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin

Tonight, I'm having a girl's night with some of my favorite ladies on the whole campus. We're going to get dressed up and go to EBC and just shoot the shit. I can't wait; I've needed something like this for several weeks.
I'm going to let whatever happens happen tonight. I'm not going to obsess about things or let what still needs to get done harbor on my brain. Instead, I'm going to enjoy that I'm single, 22 and dressed up. And probably drunk.
More debauchery to follow.

It's good to get really dressed up, once in a while.
And admit the truth. That when you really look closely,
people are so strange and so complicated that they're
actually...beautiful. Possibly even me.

Current Location: The Room with the Orange Glow.
Current Music: "Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox

In the TV show "My So-Called Life" the main character, Angela Chase is mad for a guy, Jordan Catalano. She does this happy dance to the song "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes on the day she realizes she doesn't need him anymore.

Mine's to Beyonce.

BugBug is currently the wallpaper on the outside of my phone. It needed to be changed to something other than Chris' ugly mug. J/k, but only a little.

I am super exhausted. This has been the longest week ever. I am very proud of all of my friends who were cast in mainstage productions and am pumped to begin rehearsals for Sophocles' Electra in November (no, it has nothing to do with Daredevil, ugh.)
Also? Tonight I auditioned for and was cast in Dog Sees God, which is the PAC1 this semester, and will be playing Van's Sister, AKA Lucy Van Pelt. Definitely excited for that! A little scared, too, though. There is work to be done!

Also went to Rochacha this weekend for Jere's birthday. Saw SWSWC play and they were a rockin' good time, as per usual. I always have fun up there. How is that?

On a strange side note...my brain is toast. So many people have walked in and out of my life lately, and so many people have played musical chairs with their levels of involvement in my life that I can't even keep up. Are we best friends, arch enemies, lovers, house mates, co workers? GAH! What am I doing at any given moment? Just trying to keep up, usually.

Tomorrow rehearsals start.
Wednesday is Cleveland.
This weekend is a 3-dayer. Yesh.

So sleepy. Time for bed.

But also? I have this now:

Current Location: The Room with the Orange Glow.

That's it. That's the whole damned thing.
I just had one of the best summers of my life and now I have to go and live through my senior year of college (EEK!). I feel like last year, though it had it's ups and downs, will completely overshadow this year. How can you compare anything to the year you found a family? Especially if that family starts to fall apart before you even get back? Bill & I were discussing what it's going to be like this year. As much as it pains me to admit this, Chris was a huge part of the past year, and it's simply not going to be the same without him.
I can't imagine my friends being the ones in charge at the radio station.
I can't imagine being the oldest person in the theatre department.

In May, I could not have pictured what this summer would hold for me.
Now, I can not picture what this school year might bring.

I have 4 days left to seal this summer up right.

Current Location: The blakc & white room.
Current Music: "Tiffany Blews" by Fall Out Boy

I've been contemplating writing in here for about a week now. I always fall asleep before I get the chance.

Life is hectic. But only sort of. And mostly in my head.
I started work. It's pretty much awesome. I like the people, the kids seem to like the games and stuff I come up with for them to do. I've been getting compliments on my lesson plans. I just hope this lasts all summer.

I have been spending a ton of time with Aileen. This feels fantastic. I don't really know why this is significant yet. Not that it's wrong for us to see each other so much or anything, but I don't think we've ever spent quite THIS much time together since we were in high school. It fits, though, for me. There's something about sitting in front of her house talking in my car for a while that feels like home. Reminds me of the time when I was 18 and we talked for hours on Thanksgiving eve and I ended up driving home while it was snowing and the next morning there was no sign of the white stuff, like it had happened just for me.
That same sort of weather phenomenon happened today after I dropped off Bec. She and I got s*bucks and wandered the Ville of Say (wtf?!) and when I dropped her at home, it started raining and finished up just in time for me to pull into my driveway. kthnx.

My music selection recently has been crazy ecclectic. I have been downloading stuff like mad. I've got so much whacked out stuff to listen to. All the No Doubt, ETID, Fugazi, Bouncing Souls, Less Than Jake, Regina Spektor and just about any other weird thing you can think of. I listen to it in the car while I sit in the shittiest traffic since the Holland Tunnel every morning. I am having a problem lately. I cannot decide if I'm more in love with Max Bemis' voice or Matt Caplan's. Le sigh.

I don't think I could have ever imagined being as confused as I am at 22. Life sucked at 16. I was hormonal and emo (before emo was really a thing) and pretty pathetic. Now I'm 22 and I dunno if I'm having a quarter-life-crisis or just my typical summer blues. I miss my real life. I miss school and my own god damned kitchen and the room with the orange glow. I miss sitting in my secret spot on campus and talking on the phone to random people or hiding out with Mary drinking s*bucks and talking about "life" in terms of centuries. I am sick of playing games, I am sick of "dating". I hate all things casual, failed caffeinated experiments, henged drama and all around blatant sexual ridiculousness. I don't want to settle down and I refuse to settle. But the looking is less like the search and more like the glass. Fucked up and crushing and worthless at times. Not to mention (while mentioning) the fact that I was playing games for a while but I've since decided to just give in to what was inevitable: pointless and increasingly infrequent attempts at communication. Certain names and handles that pop up in text or tweet form just make me sigh and roll my eyes, like I've become instantaneously exhausted. (I'm tired of you.)

I also need to stop writing letters to people who are never going to read them: people who are dead, people who don't know I exist, people who no longer care if I exist...

BTW, I fucking hate the term "lurker". I hate all that stupid fan girl bullshit. But if I fucking owe Christopher Gutierrez one thing in the world, it's not any of his fucking brilliant bullshit insight, it's the lame assholes in 2*Sweet. God damn it, Cronin.

Current Location: My black & white sauna
Current Music: Starving Your Friends...cause I'm not sad sounding enough all on my own.